I sat quietly for a number of minutes and realized, as I sorted through all the patients (and exes) I ever had in my life, every time I am angry it is because there is a narcissist around. Anger is the emotion they elicit from highly sensitive people. In psychology land we call this proj…
Dr. Jennifer B. Rhodes
In my narc mother’s case, she would brand me a ‘bully’ for daring to argue or stand up for myself. She was a colossal piece of work. Denied making statements, discredited people, dismissed needs, put extraordinary expectations onto others, told people they were being too sensitive, gaslit, enlisted flying monkeys, pit her kids against one another, insisted on controlling conversational narratives, ignored boundaries, intentionally made situations far worse, and more expensive than necessary, utilized favoritism, victim-swapped, etc. I spent years asking her why she was so disproportionately awful to me? Over time, my own mother treated me less like a dutiful daughter and more like a living wallet. She’d faked an illness and sponged money off of family and friends in order to supplement her income. All because she really just didn’t want to work anymore. I began to question the inconsistencies in her stories and her mistreatment. During this, she would cough up some fake tears and get my golden child brother involved. He’d ride in, regardless of the fact I was the victim, and proceed to threaten and belittle me too.
For decades I fought and explained and argued. Then, one day, I had the light bulb moment and realized there was literally nothing more I could do than to leave the toxic family relationships behind and move on. No amount of proof or logic was going to get anyone on my side. And our narc mother was never going to take responsibility for any of the horrible, near-criminal things she did. She had spun so many lies and planted enough seeds of misinformation, I was screwed (in terms of trying to salvage any of the relationships with people I wanted to keep). It sucks. But also I shouldn’t have to fight to get my supposed loved-ones to listen to my side. They either believe me or they don’t. I too had been a victim of the same ‘trying to stay on her good side’ mentality when we were all younger. When I watched her discredit and dismiss our father, family friends, another sibling, I grew concerned about what would happen if I dared to displease her. Well, as you know, narcissists are impossible to keep happy. I became the next scapegoat because narcs need someone to take the blame for all of the wrongs they inflict. Someone else to foist the problems they create onto. Someone else they can heap unrealistic expectations on.
The older she gets, the sicker she gets, the smaller her group of potential victims gets. She’s slowly isolating herself with her games and bullshit. It is harder for her to hide it. But again, even with proof, narcs will refuse to take any responsibility for the horrible things they do to others. Sad. Mothers who hurt their own children and refuse to see the damage they are doing are especially despicable, in my opinion.