THAT is frightening. But I get it. I’m amazed at how women (in general) have (especially since the 50’s; which was designed by intention after the war when they started implementing beauty contests and targeted media) grown more and more critical of themselves — focusing more of our ‘worth’ on our appearance than say our smarts or skills because boys will be boys and they are visual creatures.

I’ve fallen on both sides of the coin, hating myself for not being a size 4 no matter what I do. At my skinniest and notably sickest — shedding copious amounts of weight due to an illness I suffered in high school — I was 115lbs and a size 8. You could count most of my ribs, but still I wasn’t skinny enough even then to get into a size 4 without literally cracking, resetting, and shaving off some of my hip bones. I have boobs, a butt, broad Wonder Woman shoulders and hips. I am typically the Amazon among my fellow peers (taller, thicker, but also stronger). Never have I been the dainty little thing, as much as I’ve wanted to be. I’m not a girly girl that a guy can toss around playfully, or carry in his arms. I’m a brick of a woman. And then I realized it was all just a bs scam to keep me down — to keep me ‘tame’ and ‘controlled’, or better ‘distracted’ in this self-destructive mindset than to focus on what was really going on.

Women are constantly pitted against one another for comparison— like say when a man cheats, more often than not the victim is more pissed at the woman he cheated on her with (thinking ‘gee, she must be prettier, thinner, blah blah blah, etc…) instead of being properly pissed at the guy who just threw away her respect for a roll in the sheets with someone else (in a day and age where sex can kill, as he could have brought home anything). My point to that being that she’s more upset with the other woman than her man (not knowing what he might have told her — the other woman perhaps thinking he was single, etc…), but surely the only reason he must have cheated was because she wasn’t good enough or some such crap.

Anyway, I’m rambling, but I’m disgusted with myself for being so easily manipulated into a mindset that for so long had me dieting and scrutinizing my every curve, line, and so-called imperfection. I was naive.

Love yourself lady. You are a beautiful and strong.

Written by

Technophobe Who Codes | UX Generalist | Freelance Writer | Egalitarian-Feminist | True-Crime/Forensics Enthusiast

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