A couple months into the move, she drove an hour to show up at my place unannounced. Her mission was to set me straight that I had no right to email my ex to tell him that he had a responsibility to keep me in the loop about the things that impacted my daughter.
To set you straight about how you and your ex handle your kid? What does she expect you to do exactly, not communicate your child’s needs and schedule with her father? Here’s a funny thought. How about instead of passively-aggressively having his partner fly off the handle, your child’s father coordinate with you like an adult.
I am with someone who has children from a previous marriage. We’ve been together for years and the kids are college age now. They see me as a pseudo-mom figure in their lives, but I’m not trying to replace their mother. I do get mother’s day wishes from the kids and their mom. I also got hugs from their mother when those kids graduated with honors from high school like I was part of the family. The kids are like my own in many ways, but when it came to certain aspects (visitations, child support, coordinating vacations, breaks from school, and rides, etc.) I kept out of it, because — married to him or not — how they parent their children (to a point) is not my business.
I treat their kids well. I protect and provide for them, and I would wrestle a wild animal to the ground to protect them if needed. I don’t rush over to his ex’s house to confront her any time she and her ex-husband have a minor disagreement. Why would I stir up a bunch of bs drama? He is an adult. He can fight his own battles or hash out something with his ex. Ultimately, I support what I feel is in the best interest of their kids. Me arguing with their mother over everyday parenting stuff is not in the best interest of their kids.
I don’t overstep my role. My role is being another loving adult in their lives who provide support, guidance, sometimes a lecture about coming in late or leaving wet towels on the floor, to be responsible when it comes to the issues kids always face (sex, drugs, smoking, drinking, school, their future), and sometimes a shoulder to cry on or someone they can vent to when they’ve had a crappy day.
Your ex’s new wife is overstepping her role, especially when she goes out of her way to drive an hour to put you in your place over co-parenting your child with “her person.” That sounds petty and infantile. Where is your ex in all of this? I have to assume he is either oblivious to her actions or intentionally fueling them in hopes she will overreact like this and add to your misery. Sounds pretty spineless to me either way. If he doesn’t agree with something the two of you are trying to coordinate, that is HIS place to talk with you about it, not her’s.